| wad abt me? |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|06:58 pm] |
i dunno if you still come here, but these are all written for u now..
im sorry things became this way, but im deeply hurt as well.. everytime i try to talk to someone abt us, they keep sayin u have ur difficulties and i sld give u more time.. jus wondering how come nobody cared abt how i feel? how cld i not know how tough it was for u as well? ur actions and facial expressions say it all.. how cld i not feel pain when u are upset? whyy dont u believe me when i say im concerned abt u and when u are upset i get hurt as well..
i know im at fault, i sldnt be doin all those stuff to hurt u but i really wanna know, wad abt me? whyy cant u understand dat givin u more time is hurting me more? i did try to give u time yet hopin u cld compromise by showin me u do care abt me, u didnt.. u thot i was irritating to the pt dat u had to avoid me.. guess how much dat hurts, i told u before didnt i? i hated ppl to ignore or avoid me.. a mentor once told me this, for every event dere will be an action and with this action will come a result.. its a cycle, the result will lead to another new event.. so the pt here was we cld control the action to act upon to have a desired result.. my actions were wrong for our problems? i dunno.. all i knew i did was try to mend our frenship by continuing showin u concern and care yet at the same time took care of my feelings dat i feel u had neglected all these while..
how badly hurt i am now i cant use words to describe.. its dat bad.. i dunno how to express myself to u anymore.. aft hearin frm sarah ytd, i finally knew.. all along i thot u understood, i didnt know u nv did.. ever since the day u called 6 times, i really gave my all to u.. its jus the way i am, i thot u knew.. i didnt expect u to push me away becuz u felt dat my concern for u was beyond the limit.. as frens i really wonder, do we need to have dat limit? i thot rite frm the start u knew my feelins to u were platonic all along.. u doubted me and dats wad hurts most.. whyy cant u believe dat all i did was plainly to see u smile frm deep down?whyy.. i dont get this, how cld u hurt me in such a way?
i know i have a flawed character and my attitude is extremely bad.. but ive been changin ever since the day u said u hated me to do dat.. initially u were nice and all, supportin me as i slowly changed.. and i was really touched and thankful for bein given dat chance to change.. i still rmb whenever it happens, u will either poke me at the sides to make me smile or say sth sarcastic to put me back on track.. maybe ive havent improved enuff or u cant see the change but i seriously didnt show u any when im with u.. dont keep sayin how other ppl feel, wad abt how i feel den? u think its easy to control and keep myself in check? i swear all those times u said i did i didnt.. i didnt know u felt dat i was unhappy bein with u, whyy wld i seriously.. to me it jus seems so warped, cuz stuff like dat wasnt even on my mind.. wad went thru was keepin u company and happy dats all.. and how did i ill-treat siling? i really dont get it..
for u, ive put in alot of effort.. i know u disagree but its ok.. if u ask me wad i want, all i can ever tell u is i wish for u to show me dat u do care abt me.. i matter to u.. u nv did and it hurts like crazy ok.. all those mushy shyt i said and asked u to say, was jus to try to force u to show dat u care and make myself feel betta.. i dunno when it happened, all of a sudden u jus nv showed me any concern as if i really dont matter.. everytime u say how siling feel, how jorim feel, how others feel, i feel very hurt.. how come u care abt how they feel but u nv did care abt how i feel? was it becuz i really dont matter at all? u once said i was a good fren, does bein ur good fren means u wont care abt how i feel?if dat is the case i really wished i wasnt.. u dunno how everythin eventually boils down to u not showin me any concern and dats whyy im hurting.. im sayin all these not to make u feel guilty or bad or watever u know, i jus want u to know how i really feel inside.. all along ive been tryin to tell u this but i cldnt.. hints dont work on u i see.. now wad i see is dat u have so many other frens dat u dont need me anymore, since i dont matter..
sarah said my words hurt, im sorry if they do.. i know u wont believe but i hurting u was the last thing i ever want to do.. i dunno wad else to say anymore, u did everythin dat was taboo to me and i told u before.. i know really know how much i matter to u, nothing.. u hurt me so bad dat i wont be able to recover frm this.. i really hope u understand wad i meant and ask me to stay.. but i know its not possible.. the moment u chose to avoid me totally, u said u hated me.. and ur other frens are wad matters more to u, wad they say carries weight.. do my words?
ying, im really so hurt.. i dont understand whyy u did all those things.. dat day the moment u walked away u crushed my heart.. i stopped u becuz i had to tend to my emotional needs, was i wrong? i know how u feel i really do, how can i not know.. the only thing i dont know is wad u think and was is goin thru ur mind.. how come u distrust me so much? whyy.. is dere no happy moments with me?is dere no 1 thing dat will remind u of me and the happy times we shared tgt? i didnt know i was so pathetic.. whyy of all ppl, muz u hurt me so badly when im so vulnerable to u?wad did i do wrong.. |
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| ying.. |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|03:46 am] |
| [ | Feeling |
| |  im sorry | ] |
ying this is for u k?
read thru my posts..
finally understood how u felt and wad u meant..
im sorry, i really am..
sorry for bein so hurtful.. but i jus needed a place to vent it all out and the place was this blog u gave me..
den again, im im hurt too.. all these posts showed how much concerned i had for u, no matter how disappointed i was at you not bein able to show concern towards how i feel..
but nv did i once left u or got angry with u..u meant so much to me i know u wont understand..
actually deep down i was really hopin u understood whyy i typed those stuff and wad i am tryin to do.. plainly to make u show concern to how i felt.. sadly i failed badly and it resulted in you hurt, disappointed, angry and pressurised.. im sorry.. seems like nothin i did was rite, yet sayin it out to u will result in the same thing..
im really sadden dat u didnt even try to talk to me abt it.. i thot we were close enuff for dat.. so close dat we end up hurtin each other, maybe we werent close to begin with.. it muz be my figment, im sorry for dragging you in.. all u did was be wad a fren was, a fren.. and i hurt u over and over again.. im really really sorry..
dont worry abt the contents, this blog is created by u, written by me for u and its sth i dare say ours, instead of mine.. sth im proud of becuz it has a part of u in it.. im not implyin anythin except dat im proud and im blessed to have u as a fren.. i hope u dont get angry anymore and forgive me..
the person who wanted u to feel loved end up bein the person who made u feel hurt..
words are all bullshyt, actions are wad counts.. im not worthy to be ur fren.. i hope by the end of the 3 days u give me an ans a decision.. sorry for bein cruel again by makin u do sth dat u dont like, but i dont see wad else i can do except to apologise and holdin on to dat illusion of mine dat u will ask me to stay..
love,
bingy |
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| LOST - season nitingdedao |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|11:36 pm] |
| [ | I am at |
| | momo island | ] |
| [ | Feeling |
| |  memories to keep | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | momoge | ] |
ytd was the worst day of the year i swear.. nothin can ever beat dat alr..
ytd's incident made me so lost.. i really dunno wad to do now and how to continue..
in the end i went for some yeyepaodecha at nite lols, despite bein so tired.. i cldnt slp..
feel so tight and hot now.. i can feel the beads of perspiration edging towards the rocky motions caused by the moving pivot point.. LOL sounds so kinky~ im good haha..
actually i kinda missed keainuren but like hell i cant go aft her liddat la lols, it will be nice if she goes aft me though hahaha.. ok im jus tryin to make myself more cheerful by thinkin of the finer sides of my life.. haiz.
i really kaibuliaokou now, its like shanhuhai, youhuashuobuchulai.. all i cld muster was like 'i dunno?' damn..
really confused but i cant share this with anyone and its becuz i dont want to hurt and i want to protect.. however its deem unneccessary, not by me though..
really so much for not givin ppl acknowledgement and appreciation for their efforts la.. c'mon la seriously..
its time i tingmamadehua i feel, mother says i care so much abt others yet dont care abt myself at all, liddat is not call knowing how to take care of myself.. mother also say i so stupid always make myself miserable becuz of others.. ok stupid mother, she knows nothing anyway.. she jus say say only LOLS.. *slams door in mother's face*
dardar says fengshuilunliuzhuan, so i hope better days will come SOON!! i believe in dardar hahahaha..
for momoren,(if momoren comes here and read la dat is, dont think momoren does though) - a jus in case
i dunno wad i can say anymore, i really did my best in every way i think i can alr.. im sorry for making u unhappy and so uncomfortable, wasnt intentional and didnt want it to happen.. was huidaoguoqu-ing last nite and the whole of today, the start to now.. cant rmb alot, only fragments of my memories here and dere.. dunno when is when also too haha.. the most distinct memory of u though was the one at the youth concert when i came lookin for u when i saw u disappeared with an unhappy face.. dont think u can rmb but we sort of had a quarrel and u ran away?lol.. damn funny la now think back.. bet u hated me den, not asif u dont now la but dats dat.. after the recollection and reminisces, i realised a few things..
firstly, you are special
dat is whyy
secondly, i love you (platonic)
which is also whyy
thirdly, i care and am concerned
finally whyy
lastly, i want u to be happy
its ok if im hurt im serious.. fact is to me u are another one special moment in my bottle of moments.. maybe i overdid some stuff i dont know.. i jus did wad i did to my other special moments in similar situations.. actually sorry is the only word i can say now to u, for causing u more unhappiness in a time like this..
for drastic measure so u dont feel hurt becuz of me (though i seriously think u wont be hurt, cuz i dont even mean a thing haha)
for all kinds of frens, we have to leave some day some how.. its an eventual thing rite? during the past wks, it was a nasty feelin i had everyday..
it was a 'i dont want u and i dont need u' feeling.. and u expressed it well dat day too i think, not very i want u to stay at all.. not dat i want this at all, but i think u really wanted it.. thanks for being honest, so for the very last time, 'anything you say .. .....' im really sorry i wasnt a fren worthy enuff and i disappointed u, really really sorry.. -huggs- bye and stay happy!!
love, ... |
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